SEVEN MONTHS!

I have been in Korea for seven months now. I have passed the halfway mark. Please allow me to indulge the internal debate: to re-sign or not to re-sign. If I stay a second year in Korea should I stay at Poly or move to a public school? Public school teachers in Korea get paid $500 less a month than I do. The biggest complaints I hear about working for a public school are: big class sizes and impersonal teacher-student relationships; and loneliness (as most public schools only have one foreign teacher). If I made a point to visit home each of the vacations (even though it'd be costly), I think I could manage two years here. Though this might cause considerable disappointment to my family.
Rachel, from Wisconsin, told me about her dream of long term work and travel. Two years in Korea to pay off debt, one year in Japan, and one in Hong Kong. It is parallel to my own dream. She said, “Why don't we make it a plan?” I can see the exciting nature of long-term world travel, but before I romanticize it, I must look at a few things: loneliness, depression, high probability of no romantic relationship, and long-term separation from my family. I don't want to plan it because I know how often I change my mind, even though it'd be amazing to live in both Japan and Hong Kong.

Recently, I've noticed I am commitment phobic in my social planning. I say “yes” when really I mean, “that sounds fun, I'll think about it”. When the event comes around, I come up with one of my many excuses. I don't really know what my problem is. I don't always do this, but I do it pretty often. I can't tell whether this is progress or back-sliding. I used to not be able to say no. Now I can. But I need to not commit and then say no. I need to explain that I might like to go, but that I want some time to think about it.

I am noticing another issue with dating. Any guy who seems interested in me, I don't really like. I think I am afraid that when someone shows interest in me I freeze, worry about everything that is wrong with me and descend into self-hatred: I'm too fat, too boring, have too much debt, never been in love before. I seem to really like men who are incredibly socially-smart, multi-talented, and who are completely unavailable. I can only guess that I like them because I know I won't ever successfully get them. The repeating pattern suggests that my fear is the problem, not my body or my debt or whatever other excuses I come up with.

Okay, one last look into my intra-personal problems before I write about what has actually been happening. Depression. It happens everywhere I go. At home, camp, work, school, abroad. Yeah, there are issues I need to work through, but lets look at the symptoms, because they're always the same. In fact, I hardly recognize that I am depressed until I put all the symptoms together and attempt to, as Greg says, “pull up” from crashing. (Just writing Greg's words “pull up” makes me cry with appreciation for my family's love.) Every time I get depressed my living space is disgusting, my eating goes to shit, I don't exercise, I gain weight, I'm tired all of the time, I spend money, I don't cook my own meals, I'm tired, impatient with my students, I don't wear makeup, I don't feel good about my appearance, I don't dress well, I don't party or make an effort to call my friends. I should add that at least half of the problem must be hormonal because the “fever” breaks the day after I start menstruation. Changing locations won't help. No matter where I am, it happens. Medication doesn't help either. I've tried several and now that I am off them, it is the same as when I was on them. I have, at least, gone through the cycle often enough to recognize it. Though my “pulling up” isn't done right. I make promises to myself for a fresh start. I am pretty sure that Cheri Huber would say that I am indulging into the self-hate cycle. Self-hate → opportunity for redemption → failure at perfection → self-hatred. I think that is the other half of the problem.

I don't mean to scare my family and friends by writing this. I am happy too, but I don't spend much time contemplating the reason behind my happiness or need a self-help book on managing it. I really am OK most of the time. I am just trying to learn how to deal with the other times. If anything, I am grateful that I am working through these problems rather than ignoring them.

Okay, lets move on. I went to R16, the international B-Boy festival in Incheon. B-Boy dancing is like street style gymnastics. It was amazing. There were men from all over: Russia, Portugal, Korea, Spain, Holland, Japan, Taiwan, China, America, and Canada. America's team did alright, but Jenny's friend told us that their team had recently undergone a lot of trauma. One of the players recently had one of his legs amputated, though his dancing was beautiful. He was moved on his arms like a spider, spinned on his head, and did flips. Russia and Japan were the finalists, and Japan won a well deserved 1st place. Their team was energized, technically skilled, and powerful. It's amazing to see what bodies can do. I would never have thought a body could do half of what I saw.
It was well worth the three hours we took to find the place (which included taking a cab, train, bus, and walking). Rachel and Jess left early to go to a birthday party, but Jenny, Kevin, Seth, and I stayed til the very end. Afterwards, we ate grilled chicken and drank a beer each near SaveZone in Bucheon. Exhausted we were at home and in bed before 12:30AM.

Last week my students got to do the best activity in music class. I taped butcher paper to their desks, made them close their eyes and move their crayons to the way the music made them feel.
I played the Beach Boys, the Platters, Mozart's 12 variations on Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Ella Fitzgerald singing Misty, Rockapella's Where in the World is Carmen San Diego, The Beatles singing Yellow Submarine, and Paul Simon's live performance in South Africa of Diamonds on the Soles of Her Shoes.
I saw something really beautiful in their work that my co-workers could not see. I took the papers and cut the best pieces into 9x12 inch sheets. Ricky who always scribbles and tears up his papers during art, was actually the best at this project. He faithfully kept his eyes closed. The results were absolutely beautiful and I want to try this myself sometime.

I splurged 40,000 won on a novelty camera with a fish-eye lens (22mm) that is supposed to have a tunnel lighting effect. For some time now, I have wanted a camera small enough to carry in my purse for fun snapshots. I can't wait to see the results.

The yellow dust (from the Gobi Desert) has hit Bucheon out of season. The air is completely smoggy. I miss BLUE sky! I am also catching a cold, which I think is connected to the air quality.

Bella had been extremely sweet lately since I bought her a bigger litter box and went back to using the small clay litter she seems to prefer. She has been a cuddly little thing. She licks my hand and purrs. She sleeps next to me, and doesn't pee on my bedding anymore (thank goodness!) I am very happy to have her.